I recently returned to London after an absence of 42 years. I have had a problem in that since I left 42 years ago I have more or less yearned daily to return. Returning last year did not solve my problem. I know that this feeling of exile is illogical and does not make sense. But knowing whether it makes sense or not unfortunately makes no difference to how I feel. I simply feel at home in London. I know I have a problem. I have to accept that for me London is not just a geographical location on a map. The big BUT is that I feel that London is my city. I feel a direct connection with the place. I feel as if I am somehow a traditional owner of the land. I do actually feel that its mine. I feel as if I belong in its streets. I am conscious of walking on its sacred earth. I always felt as if I was a native living among other natives. I felt a connection with the other inhabitants. I could sit on a tube carriage and feel an identification and a connection with every other person in that carriage. It would not matter what ethnic group they belonged to. They were all my people. I always felt I knew intimately every other person. We were of the same family. I could talk to anyone and indeed I often did. The only people I did not like and feared were skinheads. Take them away and I feel safe with anyone. No one ever refused to speak to me. I found it very easy to strike up adult conversations. London is such an accepting city. I definitely felt accepted in London. I felt I walked taller. I felt I was taken seriously. I enjoyed the sense of being in contact with my peers. I also felt sympathy with others who like me were not accepted in their own country but were accepted in London. I believed we all instinctively knew it was a privilege to be in London. It was safe to be in the company of the many ethnic groups that are in London. I always felt comfortable. Except of course when skinheads invaded the carriage. Ukip are their descendants and are to be feared also .
I accept that how I feel does not make sense. My feelings are illogical. You live where you live. You live in the moment. You inhabit the air you inhabit. No matter where you are on the planet. It is unsafe everywhere. London is no different to anywhere else. I see this as a well known weakness of mine. I feel people can see this when they look at me.
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