What can I say? Have I got London out of my system? Is it possible to let go of the unrealistic romantic attitude I have for it? Do I still see it as my home? Does the thought of it still comfort me in periods of doubt and uncertainty?
Well - yes. And - no. I have to explain myself. In 1968 I felt my life was worthless. I felt I had no life. My life was totally in the power of my extended family. By family standards I was a total failure. I felt totally alien to all people around me. I was held in contempt by everyone who knew me. I had no friends. The biggest impact I had on people was to cause them embarrassment. I often felt real loneliness. The Australian people had voted overwhelmingly to commit troops to Vietnam and I considered this to be totally immoral. And I appeared to be totally alone in feeling this. Arguments often occurred and I was often threatened with physical violence because of the way I thought. Freinds of my father would say that I should be stood up against a wall and shot. And through a series of stupid decisions I had totally ruined my private life. I had unusual sexual desires. I had no meaningful job. I felt I had absolutely no prospect of any meaningful life. What could I do? Well - I could fulfill a long standing desire to go to London. I went to London and my life turned around 180 degrees. Immediately. Without me even trying. London and its people welcomed me with an opened arm embrace. I immediately went from being disliked by everyone to being liked by everyone. If I spoke spontaneously from my heart I no longer embarrassed people. I felt suddenly I was the centre of attraction. And I knew it. I went from having no life to having a meaningful and enjoyable life. And I knew it. I was no longer disliked or misunderstood. And I knew it. And I was in a society that I understood completely. And I knew this society respected me. I was part of it. And I knew it. This society seemed to be speaking directly to me. I liked the people and respected them. I felt completely attuned to the intellectual life. I knew the people. I felt at home. And I knew it. I don't want to exaggerate or be fanciful but this is exactly what happened. It is all true. I went from being unhappy to being happy. I went from feeling I had absolutely no power to having a life that was worthwhile. I went from feeling I was totally insignificant to a life that had some significance. Why was this? Was it even possible to reflect on this? Well yes it was. I knew that part of it was how I felt. I knew that I should not be like this. I knew that no matter where I was I lived inside my body - alone. But is it no wonder that I have a favorable view of London? Or be considered guilty of viewing it through rose tinted glasses. London is a large international city with a mixed ethnic and racial population. I admit I enjoy being in a society of so called mixed races. London is a wealthy city. It is an expensive city. It has poor areas. It has rich areas. It has areas of mixed race. It has areas where races and classes are basically segregated. But nothing is fixed. It is fluid. Unlike my experience of Australia where I felt everything was fixed. I did feel at home. I really did.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Categories
All
Topics
All
Archives
February 2024
|